Sarah MacKenzie's diary
by Luxara
Summary: Like the title says, Mac is writing some private stuff into her diary.
1. Chapter 1

**Sarah MacKenzie's diary**

Disclaimers:

_JAG and its characters belong to DPB, not mine…_

Spoiler:

_Don't know. This could be set almost everywhere after the Mic fiasco, I'd place it in the eighth season, just a short time after Bud' accident. So everything up to this._

Summary:

_Like the title says, Mac is writing some private stuff into her diary._

_**Dear Diary**_

I did a lot of thinking in the past few weeks. Thinking about my life. And if I'm thinking 'bout my life Harmon Rabb Jr. certainly is a big part of that. So here we go, that's my opinion about everything considering him. I will surprise even myself, I guess.

I often ask myself how it all began. When did Harm become more than a friend to me?

Yeah, I know, some people would say what we share existed from the first moment on. But I don't know if that's true. Sure, there was this something, this kind of attraction between us.

Fine, I felt there could be more than just the relationship of two colleagues, but I never would have imagined there would ever be something more than friendship or maybe an one-night-stand, though.

Hey, there was never more. We're just friends, even if nobody wants to believe that. Alright, I admit it: Once, we actually did _it. _Really, I'm not joking. Never expected the both of us to actually get our heads out of our sixes, did you? Well, I can only tell ya it wasn't more than an one-night-stand. It wasn't even a night but rather an hour of being a bit foolish.

Of course, he's… well, you could say talented, practiced or I-don't-know-what, who cares?

The fact is: I'd never do it again.

Oh, I forgot, you wanna know how and, especially where it happened. You really should have become a reporter, following actors and so on, you know what I mean. But I'm zoning out, I wanted to tell you about the where, the when and the how, right?

Well, it was on one of these carrier trips. You know, during the time where he went back to flying and I had to investigate on 'his' ship. Yes, of course I know there're rules and so on. But nobody noticed it, did they? I won't tell you that rules are made to be broken, that isn't my style. But sometimes you've to do something about the physical attraction or the tension between partners. That was the best option for the both of us. We just went on with our lives after it.

Hey, don't kill me now, a short time later I even asked him how long we were going to wait. How stupid! That was part of our agreement on that carrier: We' promised each other to go on with our lives and forget what happened.

I broke that promise, I can't blame him for his reaction.

Sure, he said I am the only one he's treating that way and a few years later he did try to make something work .

But a relationship between the two of us – it's impossible.

You ask if I'm in love with him? I guess so.

But, hey, don't start cheering. We will remain friends, it's the best for our friendship, our work and our hearts, that don't need to be broken once more. Why should we start something if it only lasts a few weeks? Unnecessary effort.

Yes, I'm talking myself out of it. If I admit I wanna start something, I'd break a promise I made with myself: I won't hurt him. I care to much about Harm to let him experience this I-don't-know-what-it-would-be.

If you do know something that could work, tell me, but you won't find something, like I said, it's impossible.

Oh, the doorbell. Has to be Harm, we agreed to have dinner together. I've to continue this later. For now you know enough.

Bye,

_Yours_

_Sarah Mackenzie_

A/N: Maybe I'll have an idea how to continue this, maybe not. Give me time – and don't kill me for writing this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

**Disclaimer:**

_JAG and ist characters belong to DPB…_

**A/N:**

_I don't know if I'll continue this, we'll see._

_**Dear Diary**_

Here I am again. I know… I know, it has been quite a long time since I wrote something in here, but just so much happened.

I read my first entry from one months ago and had to laugh. Sometimes it's really funny how things can change.

But I'll tell you from the beginning, if I say it in one sentence, you'll just keep asking till I've told you everything, so where's the point in that?

Anyway, that evening where I made my last entry, Harm and I met for dinner. It had been planned as one of our normal "working-dates" – discussing a new case and so on. His behaviour was suspicious from the instant he entered my apartment. I mean, he never ever brings flower with him when he comes to work, does he? But he did bring a bouquet with him. You know, one of those with flowers you can't quite identify but look great nonetheless.

As I asked him why he had done that, he just kept searching for some excuse, but honestly he didn't find one I believed.

During our dinner, he kept on giving me those certain looks as if he wasn't able to fix his gaze on something except me. And as though that wasn't enough, he touched me whenever he got the chance to do it.

One, maybe two hours after he had arrived, I couldn't take his behaviour any longer, so I asked him.

That… Oh, you wanna know what he answered? Well, nothing except some mumbling under his breath I couldn't understand properly… Yes, of course did I try to find out what he had said, but at first, he was silent as the grave.

Somehow – I really don't know how I did it – he began to explain the odd things he was doing.

You… well, I think you know how Harm is if he tries to explain something to me – disastrous. Just as I had given up any chance in finding out what was causing him so much trouble, he said that one sentence I always wanted to hear from him:

"Damn, Mac, I love you."

Yeah, I know, I said we're just friends and I don't want more than that. So I lied. A girl can chance her mind, can't she?

What happened the days after it seemed like one of my most unrealistic dreams. At first, we told nobody about our relationship, but somehow, Harriet found out. Two weeks after that dinner, we were sitting in the admiral's office, thinking he'd fire or arrest both of us.

Well, that wasn't what he did, though. He just assigned me to a new position – I'm a judge, now – his eyes showing he had been waiting for this to happen.

Now, four weeks after that dinner, we're spending as much time together as we can. Tomorrow we'll leave Washington for a weekend trip.

I don't know why all this happened and what made him change his mind, but I guess I'll find out eventually.

For now, I'm just glad my flyboy belongs to me. That's everything I need to know, isn't it?

Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

**Disclaimer:**

_You know, just the usual – JAG and ist characters don't belong to me yawn, they belong to DPB._

**A/N:**

_Since everyone who reviewed said I should continue this, here goes the third part._

_**Dear diary,**_

Our weekend trip was great – well, except for one thing. If I asked Harm why he changed his mind one month ago, he'd flinch and search for some excuse to chance the topic.

Considering that happened at least five times this weekend, I guess I've more than enough reason to be concerned. I mean, you can't get along with somebody if he doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth, can you?

Yeah, sure, Harm always behaves this way if it comes to personal things, but hell, we are having an intimate relationship right now. Was it right to change my opinion about the 'Just friends'- thing because of a single sentence he said?

Oh, quit it, I know I shouldn't be worrying about such a thing, he'll tell me about it in due time. It's just so strange. Whatever made him change him mind is obviously embarrassing him, else he wouldn't act that way, would he?

Well, maybe I'll try to get an answer later, when we meet at McMurphy's with the rest of the J.A.G. staff. So I'll just take a break now, get myself dressed and write the rest later, see ya.

_**Dear diary,**_

Here I am again. I really liked our little 'meeting' tonight. Harm came with me afterwards, to discuss a few things, he said. Unfortunately, his decision about our relationship, was not one of them. Do you still think it's normal? I mean, I'm not, but it's always good to hear a second opinion. Alright… I understand. But I'll give him only one more chance before I'll certainly blow a gasket…

You know, I'd never panic so much about this if he hadn't react so strange to my question. If he had just told me what it is, no matter how odd, I would have accepted it and let it stay that way – wouldn't I. But… if it's something he knows I'll get upset about…

Nah, stop those thoughts, Colonel MacKenzie. Of course it's nothing bad.

You sure want to know what exactly he wanted to discuss with me. You won't believe it, but he wanted to talk about our deal. The baby-deal, you know, right?

He asked me if we were would still have a child together in one year, or if I wanted to wait a bit longer.

He was just so funny, I had fight hard to keep myself from laughing out loud. I mean, we're together for only four weeks, who would think about marrying or having children now?

Anyway, we kept talking about that for some time longer, while I was trying to convince him we can really wait with such a decision – hell, who knows where we'll be in one year?

As much as I wanted to tell him that, a tiny voice inside me said that wouldn't be very wise. So we just agreed to talk about it in a few months – still soon enough we've time to think about it.

Oh, just one thing left to tell. I know it's an everyday occurrence, but since I never wrote about it in here, here it goes:

As he said goodbye, we shared another one of those mind-blowing kisses. Kissing Harm always felt like heaven on earth, especially now when I know I can get one of it whenever I want.

There is just something about the way he presses his lips against mine that is different from all other men I kissed.

Well, guess I've to finish this now, 'cause I'm really tired. I mean, it's past midnight and I've to work tomorrow. Maybe I get a chance to speak to Harm at J.A.G. – maybe…

_Please review and let me know if you want me to continue._


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